Humor

“PROMINENT GOVERNOR TERRORIZED BY CHRISTIAN PREACHER”

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Excerpted from THE TIMES ROMAN, circa A.D. 60.

* “In a shocking series of events this week, a Jew and former member of the religious sect known as the Pharisees, laid into Caesarea’s most esteemed overseer, Felix of Arcadia, with a diatribe about ‘justice, self-control and the supposed ‘coming judgement”, causing the governor great consternation.

As has been provided to us through his transcriptions of all the goings on with respect to the movement known as ‘The Way’, Luke – a Jewish doctor – recorded that Paul, who is also a Roman citizen, has been accused of causing a disturbance in Jerusalem for both Romans and Jews in the area. Though Paul was to stand on trial in Jerusalem before authorities there, an assassination plot was uncovered to take out the Nazarene cult-leader and it was then he was secretly escorted by no less than 270 members of the Roman guard to Caesarea, where he would appear before Antonius Felix, the area governor.

Governor Felix, apparently well acquainted with ‘The Way’, a new religion that combines Jewish beliefs with the understanding that Jesus, a putative healer, self-proclaimed king and saviour of all of mankind, would also have known about the alleged resurrection of this ‘Christ’. (Members of ‘The Way’ continue to claim this resurrection event as being true despite the fact that their Christ was crucified under Roman decree for crimes of insurrection.)

In the Caesarean court at Paul’s preliminary hearing, a representative of the Pharisees, Tertullus, stated that in Jerusalem, Paul had been causing a disturbance. “He agitates trouble in Jewish communities throughout our empire as a ringleader of the heretical sect known as the Nazarenes. He even tried to desecrate the temple!”

Paul, a weary looking man with poor eyesight – hardly an imposing figure – was then brought before the respected governor and allowed to represent himself in his own defence.

The Tarsus native proceeded to detail his account of events: that he went to ‘worship’ in Jerusalem just twelve days before and while in Jerusalem did not argue publically, stir up crowds or cause civil disorder within the city. He then summarized what he believed was the reason his accusers became aggressive toward him:

“I have a hope in God that there will be a resurrection of both the just and unjust, which my opponents also share. … Perhaps my crime is that I spoke this one sentence in my testimony before them: “I am on trial here today because I have hope that the dead are raised.””

After hearing this, the most noble governor dismissed the hearing, promising a decision on the issue when the commandant of Jerusalem arrived to provide his evidence on the matter.

But it was a few days later, when Paul was graciously allowed to enjoy the company of the felicitous governor Felix, that things went south for the radical preacher.

Given an opportunity to speak freely of his faith in the Christ and possibly persuade the governor of the supposed ‘Good News’ message being taught by members of the infant religion, he made a grave error in judgment. Rather than pay homage to the esteemed Felix by complimenting him on his education and knowledge of The Way, Paul expanded on his beliefs by addressing the extreme importance of ‘justice, self-control and the coming judgment’.

Our revered governor was made to feel extremely uncomfortable – fearful, in fact! – due to Paul’s choice of subject matter. How dare this Jew turned Nazarene-follower address a most noble judge and Roman overseer in such a manner! It would have been far more prudent to secure the governor’s interest in (or possible conversion to) the new faith by stating how forgiving of sins the Christ was. Or that if one were to just believe in the Christ, pray a particular set of prayers or provide a specific type of offering, they would be guaranteed a place of honour in the afterlife.

Had Paul remained somewhat reserved with respect to his more incendiary beliefs, he very likely could have secured a shorter stint in Roman custody; the estimable Felix would surely have responded favourably toward him had the more positive aspects of the Nazarene faith been furnished during their time together and if Paul had thought to offer a generous donation to Rome’s interests via the fiduciarily responsible governor.

But such was not to be. Paul remains in prison and most likely will remain there until the esteemed governor Felix steps down and retires with his family to his beautiful summer home in Pompeii, near Herculaneum, in two short years.”

Correspondent for The Times Roman, Martinus Chrestus

© Flagrant Regard, 2015

*Acts of the Apostles, Chapters 23 thru 24

Categories: Bible Knowledge, Christianity, Creative Writing, Didactic, Humor, Humour, Integrity, Liberalism, Spiritual, Spirituality, Theology | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Top Ten Reasons We Can Be Sure Jesus Christ Wasn’t/Is Not A Zombie

Nope!

… yeah, uh no, not exactly …

This post goes out to the somewhat supercilious fellow on Reddit who expressed how proud he was of his young son who, completely uncoached, came to the conclusion that if the historical Jesus had risen from the dead (as Christians assert) then He was in fact a zombie.

There seems to be a growing fascination and/or association with Jesus’ resurrection and zombie culture. It’s time to put this silliness to bed.

Without further ado, here now are the

TOP TEN REASONS WE CAN BE SURE JESUS CHRIST WASN’T/IS NOT A ZOMBIE

1. When a person has been turned into a zombie, angels do not materialize to herald his reanimation with the words, ‘Do not fear – He is risen!’

2. Jesus had a hearty hankerin’ for fish after His resurrection and not disciple flesh or brains.

3. Jesus easily left behind the burial linens He was tightly wrapped in after He rose from the dead and somehow managed to roll away a nearly two-ton stone that sealed His tomb. On the other hand, zombies can be restrained with straight-jackets (if you can suit them up without being bitten) or be easily held in place by a length of chain.

4. Jesus was actually worshipped by people after He appeared alive to those He knew. Zombies aren’t worshipped by those they knew as they’re too busy fleeing from them in terror or scrambling for a 22.

5. Jesus had to prove to the disciples He was not a ghost (but rather, a physical reality) by showing them His scarred hands and feet. Zombies often have little left of their hands and feet after some advanced rotting has taken place, which pretty much establishes they’re more dead-ish than alive-ish.

6. When the risen Jesus appeared before people, He spoke very articulately whereas a zombie’s vocabulary is generally limited to, “Uuuaaarggghh!”

7. Immediately following Jesus’ proclamation of the ‘great commission’, He was taken up into the heavens fully intact. Zombies, however, are ‘taken out of commission’ by bullets/axes to the head and end up splattered all over the ground.

8. After Jesus’ resurrection, both an angel and Jesus Himself gave advance notice that He’d be popping up in nearby Galilee. Zombies fail to provide advance notice for anything – they are rude and pop up unannounced at all hours.

9. Jesus returned to life in a very-much-alive human body in order to display God’s incredible power that will one day be fully extended to all believers as a reward for their faithfulness. Zombies are considered ‘the living dead’ and have nothing to look forward to but further putrefaction or a coup de grâce that ends whatever ‘life’ it is they’ve been enjoying.

10. Several highly intelligent researchers who investigated the resurrection of Jesus started out as skeptics but became believers. No amount of investigation, as of yet, has been able to confirm the existence of zombies as depicted in popular cinema/television, ever!

“But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.”
Philippians 3:20-21 (New Living Translation)

© 2014 Flagrant Regard

1. Matthew 28:5-6 / Mark 16:6 / Luke 24:6 /
2. Luke 24:41-43 / John 21:9-14
3. Matthew 28:2 / Mark 16:4,6 / Luke 24:2,12 / John 20:5-7
4. Matthew 28:9,17 / Luke 24:52 / John 20:28
5. Luke 24:36-40
6. Luke 24:13-30, 38-49 / John 21:12-23
7. Matthew 28:19-20 / Mark 16:15,19 / Luke 24:51
8. Matthew 28:7 / Mark 16:7 /
9. Luke 24:36-43 / John 20:17,27 / John 20:31 / Acts 1:9-10 / Philippians 3:18-21 / 1 Corinthians 15:20-25 / Revelation 1:18, 21:1-7
10. C.S. Lewis, Josh McDowell, Lee Strobel, Frank Morrison, J.Warner Wallace, Nabeel Quereshi, Philip Vander Elst, Alister E. McGrath

Categories: Apologetics, Bible Knowledge, Christianity, Creative Writing, Didactic, Humor, Humour, Religion, Theology, zombies | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

If Evolution Is A Fact, Then How Come … ? (Part 1)

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Intro: Over the last 10 years or so, my wife and I have had many interesting discussions surrounding the whole creation vs. evolution debate. She and I don’t agree on every point with respect to some creationist concepts, but one thing we both are not able to wrap our heads around is the idea that we – at some distant point in our prehistory – were nothing more than pond-scum; that all humanity started out as some biological soup. Shakespeare once referred to mankind as the ‘Paragon of Animals’ and quite certainly, we humans are very different from than anything else observed in nature. Not every human trait or characteristic can be adequately explained by the scientist’s ‘go to’: evolution. And as for the rest of ‘creation’, it too maintains and displays a level of complexity that defies the premise set forth by modern science; that all animal species known today are the result of ongoing transitions from some other kind of species – the result of millions and millions of years of change. Feel free to join in the discussion. All we ask is that you stay on point and avoid a religious mentality that proffers a bullyish insistence that ‘science/the bible says it is this way and therefore it is more true’. Let’s keep it interesting, shall we?


IF EVOLUTION IS A FACT, THEN HOW COME WE HUMANS NEED CLOTHING?

Just yesterday afternoon, Nancy and I spent our time doing something we never do; watching a hockey game. It was the New Year’s Day ‘Winter Classic’ featuring the Detroit Red Wings vs. the Toronto Maple Leafs. The temps in Ann Arbor were just frigid – minus 11 Celsius – and probably a lot colder than that if you factor in the wind-chill, yet the stadium was packed with over 100,000 fans! Not just Detroit fans either, Leaf fans as well.

As we watched in the comfort of our living room, the camera would often pan from the hockey players to the crowd where you’d witness their hopping up and down not to cheer their team, but to keep themselves from freezing to death. I suggested that, ‘maybe folks aren’t as cold we think thanks to the BTU’s being given off by their bleacher buddies’. Nancy just looked at me like, ‘Riiiiight’.

It was then I stated the simply obvious: “If evolution is a reality, how is it that we – the most evolved species on earth – haven’t anything in the way of natural defences against the cold, namely warm fur or feathers?” Nancy chuckled as she too recognized the conspicuous problem. Every creature known to man can survive its own environment (and sometimes far less favourable environments) thanks to either fur, scales, feathers or exoskeletons but we can’t! Plop us down naked in the middle of a snowstorm and we’re dead inside of an hour. Leave us in a desert and we’re toast in as little as 4 days. And even if you set us up in temperate climates, we can’t be ‘naked and afraid’ for long without something killing us due to our ‘parts’ being exposed. Think about it.

Central America could be considered the ideal climate for the human body. But 100’s of thousands of people died during the making of the great canal in Panama. From being over-worked? Nope – the culprit was malaria, a disease spread by a tiny insect that literally gets under our skin. Canada’s favourite humourist, Rick Mercer, has encouraged schools throughout the country every year to contribute to the ‘Spread the Net’ campaign that serves to protect people from the mosquito bites that can lead to certain death in places we oxymoronically refer to as ‘Tropical Paradises’. Malaria isn’t the only disease spread by mosquitoes in such places either, Dengue fever is another killer transmitted by them. Heck, a whole plethora of skin diseases are possible due to the many parasites that will find their way onto our epidermis or exposed orifices.

Here in North America, on a really nice summer day in the forest, one might think you could exist safely as a naturist/nudist but in reality you could pick up the tick responsible for carrying Lyme’s Disease and not know you have it ’til it’s far too late. West Nile (again, mosquito-carried) virus has led to several deaths in our part of the world too.

The evolutionist might say that humanity’s random demises caused by viruses, insects or plagues is the ‘cost of doing business’ with the planet and that even other mammals die from such diseases as well. The North American little brown bat populations, for instance, are threatened by a fungus that attacks their faces and wings and somehow confuses their hibernation cycles which results in their premature emergence into cold, wintry air instead of the warm spring climes. In this case, the animal’s being introduced into an unsuiting environment is affecting its numbers and survivability. There are rare but similar goings on with other species around the globe.

Though this may be the case, one cannot dismiss easily the fact that if it weren’t for humanity’s capacity to use logic/intelligent pragmatism and come up with some defensive coverings (we now call them clothes) we wouldn’t have survived ANYWHERE on this planet for very long. Sure, other animals construct nests, dig dens or sometimes even utilize their own bodies to protect themselves and their young, but in a high majority of cases the animal survives independently from its creations. Man does not.

Right from the get-go, we all begin this life as an ‘infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms’. 1 What other creature on the planet is born so utterly helpless (and remains that way for so long) save for man?

If we evolved to be the highest form of intelligence on the planet (dolphin-lovers are vehemently shaking their fist in disagreement with that suggestion), it seems rather incongruent that our physical selves didn’t catch up. We are not presently evidencing ANY new physical changes that would allow us to survive without clothing the way the rest of the mammalian world does. Your uncle’s disturbing abundance of chest hair may give you pause with respect to his mammalian origins, but he is very much human and his hirsute predisposition wouldn’t save him from dying of exposure after toppling his canoe in an icy lake. Toss your ‘stupid’ golden retriever into the same lake, mind you, and she’ll come out shaking half of the lake’s volume all over you and begging you to throw another stick to her in the freezing water.

All this points to one thing: we humans are a separate and distinct creation that were given unique bodies and intelligence that no amount of evolutionary time elapses or supposed beneficial mutations can account for. It appears that we were made to be highly dependent beings – dependent for survival first on our parents and thereafter on our ability to create things from our surroundings that protect our bodies from harm. Truly, we were initially constructed by some Supreme Intelligence that oddly wanted us to be both dependent and yet creative within the framework of our challenging world.

If anybody has any other way around this problem, we’d sure like to hear about it.

Until then, we will conclude our thoughts on the matter with the words of John Stewart,

“Evolution, Schmevolution”.

© 2014 Flagrant Regard

  1. Shakespeare’s As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII [All the world’s a stage]

Psalm 8:4-8 (The Voice Translation)

I can’t help but wonder why You care about mortals—
sons and daughters of men—
specks of dust floating about the cosmos.
But You placed the son of man just beneath God
and honored him like royalty, crowning him with glory and honor.
You ordained him to govern the works of Your hands,
to nurture the offspring of Your divine imagination;
You placed everything on earth beneath his feet:
All kinds of domesticated animals,
even the wild animals in the fields and forests,
he birds of the sky and the fish of the sea,
all the multitudes of living things that travel the currents of the oceans.

Categories: Apologetics, Creationism, Evolution, Humor, Religion, Theology, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Top Ten Reasons Why You Wouldn’t Want Your Parents To Name You ‘Messiah’

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In Tennessee this week, a judge was cited for his ruling that a couple who’d petitioned to have their new-born son registered with the first-name, ‘Messiah’ could not do so on the grounds that, “The word ‘messiah’ is a title, and it’s a title that has only been earned by one person, and that one person is Jesus Christ.” (1)

While we agree that the judge was a little over-zealous in his ruling – that people should have the right to name their kid almost anything they want – we DO think that growing up with the name, ‘Messiah’ may have its drawbacks.

Here now (ala David Letterman format) are the

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU WOULDN’T WANT YOUR PARENTS TO NAME YOU ‘MESSIAH’

10. Getting caught swearing by people who are happy to note, “Well that sure doesn’t sound Aramaic to me!”

9. Having to avoid common sayings that could offend such as, “I’m just hanging around” or “Really nailed it” … (sorry!)

8. Trying to live up to the high expectation your mom has that you’ll treat her like Holy Mother Mary at all times

7. Problem when there’s a shortage of grape juice at the family dinner and everyone turns to you, begging for you do something about it

6. Finding that, when another kid named ‘Messiah’ in your class is the one causing problems, you hear yourself telling the teacher, “But I’m not the Messiah you’re looking for!”

5. Your mother talks about you to her friends, saying, “Oh he’s fine – just don’t cross him.”

4. Being chided by your professor of religion (right after he informs you that you’re failing his class), “If you are indeed who you say you are, throw yourself into your work and I’ll give you all the great grades you see before you.”

3. High probability of bullies in the schoolyard whacking you from behind and shouting, “Okay Messiah, who hit you?”

2. Being told by your family waiting at the airport for your arrival during the thanksgiving holidays, “Yeah, we saw you coming in the clouds” every flippin’ year

… and the NUMBER ONE REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN’T NAME YOUR CHILD ‘MESSIAH’ …

1. Far too easy for psychiatrists to figure out what kind of complex you’re developing

© 2013 Flagrant Regard

(1) http://www.orlandosentinel.com/sns-rt-us-usa-tennessee-judge-20131025,0,617443.story

Categories: Christianity, Creative Writing, Humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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